Jon Watts is a dedicated member of the Religious Society of Friends as well as a prolific songwriter and poet. He has spent the last two years touring extensively throughout North America and is now in the studio recording his 3rd full-length album.
I can’t tell you
all of the things you don’t see
if your eyes are open
they’re unfocused
and if I had
a little magic left
I could love you out of this mess
hocus pocus
But I’ve been empty
I haven’t had any love for you
the most I could do is
keep breathing
this is so painful
if we can’t sit at the same table
then I won’t know
what poison you’ve been eating
But I’m not playing it
these awful guessing games
have me trying to name the un-nameable
and now you’re running away
and I’ve stopped running at all
so I’ll just sit and face fate
and that’s a face full.
I don’t know how to tell you
anything at all
I don’t know if it would help if I was asked
so now I’m sitting, hand to chin
waiting for next fall
maybe that’s when the past will have passed
I’ve absorbed
quite a bit of nothingness
and that could mean anything
but at least now I see nothing clearly
I say to friends, no, she hasn’t said anything
maybe she doesn’t want to be near me
this is the ghost jon speaking
I never thought you’d kill me too
I guess it’s redundant to say now
that I loved you
and that I trusted you
and that my hurt and my anger
are because you
didn’t choose to
follow through
so when I come to your place
and try to say goodbye
and you don’t show your face
you just hide
why should I believe that you’re alright?
I don’t believe that.
And so I’m hurt right now
and you’ve bound up my lips
with a fear of action, loss,
fear of thoughtlessness
I was too trusting
I didn’t trust enough
and now I fall over apologies and such
son of a crutch
now you play me like a xylophone
that won’t shut up
but I’ve been silent for eight months
I’m listening to nothing
trying to make sense of
something so nonsensical
a cynic wouldn’t sense that it was coming
and start running
so now we’ve died
no one can identify the killer
I think i know the murder weapon
but I’ll leave that for September
and I’ll remember you
I’ll send this simple gift of truth to my future self
remind him that you put me through hell
I love you and I miss you but you’re not worth hell.
It’s not
everybody living in the same space
It’s not
one thing you said or did that brought me to this place
I’ve got to face my fear
and then say it in a way that you can hear
but it’s unclear
and so I’ll focus on the clarity I have
I’ll spread out all my maps
and then perhaps what I have to do
is chart some new territory
I love this story
but I’m getting kind of tired of adventure
Is this essential?
When can I relax?
And I can hold on
I’m so strong
It’s been a long time coming and instantly it’s gone It’s just a song
It’s not the end of the world
It’s just another bad day
so please, I don’t need you to look at me that way
I’ll be ok
And this is nothing but a song
so just listen and nod
and then secretly wonder what you’ve done wrong
It’s just my voice
It’s just the core of me
It’s just as deep as you’ve ever heard me speak
It’s just some beats on a screen
I mean, I don’t mean to mean
You see? We’ve relied on our words for too long
It’s time to make songs
And I can hold on
I’m so strong
It’s been a long time coming and instantly it’s gone It’s just a song
He said he loved her
We were friends then
sharing secrets with each other
like the fact that he loved her
and I held that secret tight like it was mine
But in the limelight, I can see my timeline
I was looking for my value in
the things I had accomplished
like the women that I wanted
and the ones that had fallen for me
You know the story
Now I know it wasn’t worth it
I was working in earnest
I mean, I didn’t even deserve it
this fact I wasn’t worthless
But I just didn’t have the courage to say
“fine, Brian. She’s yours.”
Or even “Hey Brian, I think she’s mine.”
And so I led you to believe
I was a friend and not a thief
whose intention was to steal
and then to observe you spin your wheels
I’m like sorry
I’m sorry Brian
I don’t have an excuse
If I had an excuse it’d be used
I’m a little brother with a used excuse
and a follower who followed the abuse
I adjusted to environments
one shouldn’t adjust to
The environment, myself stand accused
But that shouldn’t make you sorry
because I’m the one who’s sorry
as I look to the past and I conclude
I’m sorry Brian
So the confession I have is
I was better than you
Or that’s how I thought and acted at the time
But I’ve realized since your innate value
I’m not afraid of all the ways it threatens mine
I tried to do to you what others did to me
My only measured worth was watching others’ envy
So I encouraged it
this anger and the jealousy
and all the while behavior remained friendly
And in a way
I would say that you were better than me
I mean the ways that you forgave
when you were settling things
I let my fear persevere
You watched my meddling bring
us to that place and then you faced me with your love
It was manipulative. It was subversive.
It was destructive and I’m here to say I’m sorry
I saw that you loved me.
I abused your trust
and I want to say again to you I’m sorry
I’m sorry Brian
I’m sorry Brian
I don’t have an excuse
If I had an excuse it’d be used
I’m a little brother with a used excuse
and a follower who followed the abuse
I adjusted to environments
one shouldn’t adjust to
The environment, myself stand accused
But that shouldn’t make you sorry
because I’m the one who’s sorry
as I look to the past and I conclude
I’m sorry Brian
I’m like friendship
because I’ll never go away
I’m like a drop of rain on a cloudy day
and I’m awake
as if I never went to sleep
And now I’m dancing in the street
as if there was no street
Now I’m alone and I’m surrounded
I could try to find myself a home
but houses are too grounded
My living situation here
foundations just been founded
I spend my time considering
consideration’s boundaries
Don’t look at me
(because I’m old)
Don’t say you’ve heard of me
because my story’s not been told
I’m living underground this year
The surface is too cold
It’s a land-side landslide
re-routing these old roads
Inhale exhaust.
Exhale love.
This is about roads in Portugal
and things I’ve left behind me
struggles I’ve climbed to find
peace of mind inside me
When blind luck leads us there
it’s fine
but just look between the lines
at all the lives denied
We deny love
so it’s about hope
and it’s about how everyone has courage
in their throat
It’s about the lies that vie for our attention
leading us to places too tangential to mention
I could give you names
and I could name dates
and I could focus on the means to end all the debates
but this is music
It’s elusive
I’ve produced it exclusively
and it leads to loose conclusions
which destroy illusions usefully
I don’t like running in place
so now I’m walking in the city
Carbon-monoxide in my lungs
I feel empty
We’ve cut down all the trees
so now it’s up to us
We’ve got to inhale exhaust, exhale love
Inhale exhaust.
Exhale love.
Now I’m exhausted
I haven’t done this much coughing
since I was lost in Boston
It’s a softened offspring
We are Lovers of our Lost Earth
And it makes us fighters because we know
how much now we have cost her
Some of us are somber
others find a way that they can speak
while they’re choking
That’s not a path I’ve chose yet
We can each pick up something
and find a way to get a little bit of breath
